Earlier last week, I watched a video on YouTube; 'true talk' by Ella and Dara Mike- Bamiloye and they had a guest speaker that they called Aunty Lara. The video talked about 'how far is too far in a godly relationship.'
As I was watching this video, I got that feeling that I always get in my stomach when it’s time to put pen to paper or fingers to keyboard. So now, here I am clacking away at my keyboard and hoping that the Holy Spirit helps me deliver my thoughts accurately.
This issue of purity in relationships is one that has plagued the body of Christ for centuries and destroyed the destinies of so many great people. First of all, like Aunty Lara mentioned in the video, to even be asking how far is too far in a godly relationship shows that the Spirit of God is not truly resident in you. It shows the state of your heart. You want to know how much of the world you can enjoy while you’re in Christ. "Ole!" – You’re a thief and you’re not ready to honor God in and with your relationship. Even Solomon said in Songs of Solomon 8:4 that you should not rouse or awaken love until it pleases. Instead of asking how far is too far, why not ask what more you can do to be fully grounded in Christ? Or how to die to self daily do that you can forsake fleshy desires?
Another thing that was mentioned in the video is how in Christian relationships, we focus so much on the things that we can’t do or the things that we don’t want to do, rather than focusing on the things that we can do. We think that focusing or majoring on the prohibitions will make us more careful but in actual fact, it makes us more prone to deception and making mistakes. Let’s take for example the story of Eve and the Serpent;
Genesis 3:1-3; Now the serpent was more subtle and crafty than any living creature of the field which the Lord had made. And (he) Satan said to the woman, Can it really be that God has said, You shall not eat from every tree of the garden? And the woman said to the serpent, we may eat the fruit from the trees of the garden, Except the fruit from the tree which is in the middle of the garden. God has said, You shall not eat of it, neither shall you touch it, lest you shall die.
But if we check God’s original instructions in Genesis 2: 16-17; And the Lord commanded the man, saying, You may freely eat of every tree of the garden; But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil and blessing and calamity you shall not eat, for in the day that you eat of it you will surely die.
If we look carefully at difference between God’s original instruction and Eve’s response to the serpent, we’ll see that in her response, she was very focused on the don’ts and even went as far as saying that God said they should not touch the fruit or they’ll die and that was where the devil was able to get her. While she was focusing on the “one thing” that they should not do, she lost sight of the many things that they could freely do and she was displaced.
When we focus on the things that we shouldn’t be doing, like; not kissing, not cuddling etc., it makes us very conscious of them, we become afraid of doing them and you know what they say; you’re a slave to what to fear, and we end up doing them. Why pay so much attention to the things that can ruin us when we can just enjoy the provisions that God has made for us?
Instead we should focus on things that we can do. Know the purpose of your relationship because if the purpose of a thing is unknown then abuse is inevitable. My spiritual father once said to me, set out a clear purpose for your relationship and let that guide your decisions and actions. Do you want to please God in your relationship? Do you want to do destiny with your partner? Do you want to glorify the name of God with your relationship? Then think of ways to do these things and start doing them. Let that set the pattern for your relationship.
It’s like a student that keeps thinking to himself, I don’t want to fail, instead of making up your mind to pass and doing all you can to achieve that. The truth is if you have the mind-set of "I don’t want to fail" instead of the "I want to succeed mind-set," you’ll keep doing the barest minimum because you just want to escape failure. Like my spiritual father once said; The fact that you’re not failing doesn’t mean that you’re passing. It’s the people that focus on what they can’t do in their relationship that go around disturbing everybody with “How far is too far in a godly relationship?”
During the relationship talk video, aunty Lara mentioned that if you’re purpose filled, you won’t have time for all these things. She said 24 hours is not enough for someone that is purpose driven. It is when you’re idle that your mind and or hands have time to roam. If you have an awareness of where you’re going and Who you are living for, you will be too busy thinking of all the things you need to do to get there and doing them, rather than focusing on things you can’t or don’t want to do.
There is a right way to do relationships and if we do it that way, we’ll see that purity in relationships is very possible. The people that have done it don’t have two heads, they had the same Holy Spirit and grace of God at their disposal.
My spiritual Father once told me that compromises and attempts at initiating physical intimacy in a relationship stems from the inability to make a meaningful human connection and I want to add that it could also impede the ability to make the connection.
Let me explain; you and partner always spend time together but because you haven’t been able to connect emotionally with them the normal way, by talking and getting to know them better, you try to look for another way to “feel the love” and compromises start to happen. You start to hold their hands for longer than necessary, the duration of your hugs become increased and before you know it, you’ve ventured further than you intended.
Now, the danger with this is that, physical intimacy gives you a false sense of closeness to your partner, because your bodies have been touching, your brain somehow leads you to believe that your minds are also touching and that you know each other very well and you’re really connecting when in actual fact you’re not connecting at all in the way that you should be and you’re really not getting to know each other better.
Contrary to popular belief, it is very possible to be in a very loving relationship with absolutely no physical contact. Like my spiritual father explained to me one time- there is nobody that loves you more than God. If you can be very reassured of God’s love for you and love Him right back with zero physical contact then it can happen in your relationship as well.
Let your relationship be a testimony that God is not a cruel God that sets impossible standards. Let your story be an inspiration to all who hear it that it’s possible to be in love and not compromise on purity, that it’s possible to be in a relationship and still remain pure (in heart and in act).
Be a good ambassador for Christ!
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